Aw I feel a bit better now, my mum just rang me up to slag off runningman. :-D "You should have pushed him, he's an arse." I wonder where I get my vitriol from? Hm....

Today I got up stupidly early and it's all Chingo's fault.

Emma burst her eardrum as an excuse not to come to town with me (pah!), so I went in as briefly as possible (about half an hour in total spent in town and a million years travelling to and from).

So I came downstairs this morning greeted by, "WOW, wow what, who...why are you up this early?!" And the bathroom windows were fucking open, which meant that the room I had to be naked in was the COLDEST IN THE HOUSE, thanks everyone (that was Chingo's fault too).

And I had pizza for breakfast which I usually like, but my stomach was like, "dude, what's happening here, where's my cereal?!" and then I dropped a whole bunch of stuff and bent my nail right back. Swearing ensued along the lines of someone's mother really enjoying sexy time with someone else's mother who was born out of wedlock and really enjoyed masturbation. Because that's the way I roll in the morning when annoying things happen.

Then I left the house, thinking it's fine, I'm wearing my zipup, my coat, a scarf and gloves. NO, no it was not fine. Cold hit me in the face and kept hitting me until my once warm beating heart turned into an icicle and started murmuring to me: "What the fuck has Chingo done anyway to DESERVE a christmas present, eh? Don't go! Think of bed! Is this present really worth getting frostbite over? Look, there's fucking ice everywhere! You'll die." Which lasted all the way to the bustop, because at the bustop I thought I saw SD. "NO!" I screamed inside my head, "WHY ME, GOD?!" But it was actually only a 45 year old prostitute that LOOKED like SD, so all was grand.

While in Bleh!fast I almost got hit by a car because some stupid bitch was on the phone and tried to walk into me at the same time, DIE! And basically town was full of retard tramps who made my journey longer because I had to traverse around them, all the while trying not to spew expletives in people's faces and keeping my hands in my pockets so I wouldn't push them out of my way. I hate people touching me at the best of times, but my horrendous mood generally comes with a circle of fire that people don't cross. NOT TODAY. While I was in the secret shop, peole were walking into me where there was plenty of space not to, I was clearly standing ogling a display of secret things, really close to said display, so whhhhhyyyy were fuckers still walking into me, then apologising. LOTS OF ROOM PEOPLE.

Was really not in the mood, I was glad Emma did not come (not the bleeding ear bit ofcourse) because then I would have got into a worse mood of tramping round Bleh!fast and going to see the secret film i can't discuss and mutual slagging off would just have encouraged us to greater heights of vulgarity, which I thoroughly enjoy most days. Just not bad-mood days when talking about annoying people just annoys me more.

Plus I had all my horrible paranoias to contend with, including but not limited to: catching some germ infested tramp's disgusting disease; getting killed in a bus crash; getting run over by a car (oh wait, that one nearly happened!); seeing someone I vaguely know and having to start a cheery conversation.

Then on the way home, I fell asleep on the bus :-( the bus which smelled of a strange mix of hair dye and Raleigh library (which I am shocked to even remember considering how long ago it was I was last in there), once I got off the bus, runningman, who jogs everywhere, but down the middle of the road (he's somewhere in his 60-70s), ran right into me while I was crossing the road. I tried to avoid collision, but it was like he was aiming for me. Probably for all those times I laughed at him from the safety of the car. He'll be waiting for mum next.

Adieu!

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Some woman is trying to add me on messenger/windows and sending me messages. She wishes to discuss the Qabalah with me. WHY I have no idea, considering nothing about that is listed as an interest on my windows profile, but ho hum.

I'm still furious about something that happened to a friend of mine.

On Tuesday I went out with Bekah, it was pretty dark when she walked home and yet it was outside the busiest area of Monkstown that she was, for lack of a better word, waylaid by fucking Monkstown thugs that I swear to GOD will suffer if I ever find out who they are.

She didn't tell anyone except SE and Emma what happened and Emma told me last night and I was so SO angry at them and myself for not getting my mum to give her a lift directly to her house.

Have I mentioned I hate Monkstown? And the little fucks that live there? There were 4 of them, they had all just exited the community youth club. Fucksake. And then surrounded her while one of them made a fist, held it to her lower back and said: "I want to fuck you in the ass." Some fucking little maggot of a child, some piss poor excuse for a boy did that to my friend and got away with it. She neither screamed, nor shouted, nor fucking kneed him where his nonexistant penis would have been. Nor, more importantly, did she tell her parents. Because it is more than likely that these bastards actually go to Monkstown school, where her mum works and she said that if her mum knew someone like that went to school there, she'd have to quit. I'd say her mum needs to get a grip first of all, especially if she'd be SURPRISED that there are people like that going to Monkstown. And really, if it were my daughter who'd been assaulted like that, no way I wouldn't go through every little fucker there until I found him and punished the little sod until he couldn't even threaten another person like that.

She said she'd recognise him if she saw him, Emma and I would be gleeful if her brother knew him. Or if she sees one of them while we're there. Motherfucker.

Did you know it's ILLEGAL to carry pepperspray here? This is how much women are truly respected. No, we'd rather you were raped actually, than you defended yourself.

Fucksake.

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Just woke up from a crazycrazy nightmare which made me check the whole house when I got up, for no reason because someone breaking in wasn't part of the dream and it's daylight!

It is now 25 minutes later and I'm still listening to every sound and looking over my shoulder.

One of the usual serial killer nightmares, but in which I had survived the attack and had come out of hiding to help a girl who for some reason had been all over the news and completely sensationalised. Basically the killer knew where she was all the time.

So we had a posse of people that were running and hiding, it involved woods, BHS, a science lab that was strangely a warehouse/train stop, I always thought when there are plural victims in a serial killer dream one would be less frightened. APPARENTLY NOT. And I was just trying to protect this person with only, while sleeping, acute fear for self.

Anyway, he liked to cut the heads off his victims and leave it in a pool of blood, not necessarily their own, infact often there would already be a body with no head in place of where the new victim's head would go. Just before I woke, I had noticed a big square of what I thought was cardboard on the floor which had been taped around, the victim was standing next to the window practically on it, looking out. Then this mad person raced through the door trying to get to her and I was kicking her in the face repeatedly, she had a gun which she shot everywhere except at me and a weird slow-fast motion thing going on like in some of those crazy horrible films. But while all this was going on, it clikced that the cardboard actually hid a pool of blood beneath it and the killer ( who I thought was the crazy woman who wouldn't be knocked out despite kicks to the face) had just thrown a body through the window to land on the cardboard and was grabbing at the victim. Then I woke.

Blergh. Two childhood friends were in that nightmare.

Why do I keep having to have nightmares?!

Or weird dreams involving mini-bats and min-octopuses?

When will I have a nice dream?

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Today's highlights:

• Being woken at 5.50am with a nosebleed.
• Having a greasy disgustingly yummy lunch in Mcdonalds.
• Getting ketchup all over my face while Maxie laughed at me.
• Maxie calling me creepy when I stared at him to freak him out.
• This sentence: "Don't look at me like thhaaaattt! Don't look at me like I'm Zak! I'm not as bad as him! I've never done things as bad as he haaaaaaaaaaaaas!" In that whiney tone too.
• Knowing EXACTLY what his gf is thinking and knowing exactly what is going to happen.
• This sentence: "Ah! How did you know I did that?! How did you know I was thinking that?!"
• Gordy on the bussss!!!!!!! GORDY!!!!! Looking just as crazy and shuffly as he ever did.
• Craig finally getting voted off Strictly.
• The cup of tea I'm about to have.
• The thought of tomorrow morning and the only reason to get up in the morning: BADMINTON!!!!!!!

I miss Chingo :-( We talked for over an hour last night about all the tv things I needed to talk about :-D And she makes me laugh lots and lots. AND LOTS.

Maxie is giving me all the Smallville ever next week. Having teased me this aver with hints of what happens in all the seasons I have yet to watch.

I'm thinking bad things, I'm thinking I might have to watch Buffy from s1 beginning again, I watched an ep today from s2 and I was saying the lines along with Spike and Kendra and Willow. I'm sad. But I also want to rewatch Grey's from the beginning too.

Must psyche myself for tomorrow!

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Do you know what's worse than bumping into someone you know in Bleh!fast? Bumping into someone you know, who's about 5 years younger than you, while you're drunk in Bleh!fast.

Oh the hilarity of today.

First I got on my bus to hear my name being called, Kirsty from the back of the bus, who I haven't seen in 4 years. So we caught up on the journey into Bleh!fast (dollhouse discussion!) and then I met Emma for christmas present hunting (briefly) and lunch (briefly) and drinking. I only had TWO drinks and I was drunk. Shows how long it's been.

Anyway, the hilarity started round about the time a baby started screaming, with both me and Emma cursing it, then we left because she had to meet the priest and some others, but she was late because we were so drunk we were too busy giggling at things like doors and me dropping money and toilets (that was particularly amusing due to the soap dispenser). Then she had to ring the priest and say she was going to be late because (I can't remember the excuse) she was catching up with an old friend she hadn't seen in ages/caught in traffic. Her pretend sober face is AMUSING.

I then decided to go home and was waiting for my bus when I saw a familiar face from school, whom I did not think would recognise me as it has been a very very very long time.....: "CHARLEY!" Hoorah.

This young man has just started uni, has grown facial mice and still knows me by name, unfortunately he then put me on the spot and asked me did I remember his "...um.....heehee....?" was, I think, my reply. Luckily present drunken Char is very similiar to sober teenage Char, so nothing appeared to be amiss to him. As I was silly, giggly, ridiculous and spoke everything I was thinking as I thought it, everything i was and did when i was 15. Which meant I ended up telling him things I never told him when we younger and more mature (I speak only for myself, for he was clearly unimpressed once I confessed my drunkness, apparently he's teeeeetotal, ha).

Then I nearly got his bus instead of waiting for mine, just for FUN before I realised that would have meant even more awkward conversation about eyes and priests and pretend soberness and the craziness of German and tallness. Luckily I didn't get as far as noses. Honestly. Emma's bad influence can be blamed for alot of things.

On the way home I saw a bunch of mini BHSers and they were sooo cute I just wanted to pick them up and shake them and tell them "hey, in 7 years time, you'll be in uni, not having a fucking clue why you're there or what you're going to do after. Have fun with that!"

<3 McSteamy. I need more Grey's.

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Team Wray caught a mouse.

However as my advice was ignored for the most part, the catch went juuuust a little like this:

"Why is there a mouse running across the floor with a trap attached to its neck?"

Then my dad hit it with a hammer, and it KEPT RUNNING. Honestly. Get a father to do a daughter's job.

Later they set traps and all I could hear was my mum wailing everytime they set one off. Unprofessional. Hee.

Someone in my circle of friends is being an arse. So many possible suspects.

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Bah-hum-bug.

Why is it that all the things I'm paranoid about are always always true? And yet I never learn, and always think it's just paranoia. IT NEVER IS CHARLEY.

My mum left me a note this morning saying there was a mouse in the garage. I know there's a mouse because my spidey senses tingled about 2 days ago, last night I was up at 3am doing a mouse hunt. So yes mum, I know there's a mouse, and I know that there's a way from the garage to my room. Fortuitously I also know the little bastard is going to die. No mouse survives me. :-D

I'm not going to name it. Then I will hunt day and night until I find it and destroy it and Persuasion arrived today (also I have like loads of stuff to watch ever since ze whore sent me post). Criminal Minds, Medium, Grey's or Persuasion? Hm....

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You know what I never believed? How Emma could ever appreciate her friends so much after her breakup. I just thought, surely you have to convince yourself that you appreciate their support because all you want is that other person instead. Really don’t you just want there to be no reason to need the support?

And actually, tonight especially for some reason, I just feel so thankful to everyone that’s been there. Just been my friend, just made me smile or laugh or ache in a nice way with the feeling of love. For a while there, I thought I’d never want to love anyone in any way and I just sort of shut everyone out. But it is a lovely thing to know you can love. And I do.

And someone that did a lot for me was a bit of a surprise, a girl I was vaguely friends with in school, you know someone you hang out with occasionally, but you don’t know all her personal likes and secrets. And over the last few months she has been a revelation. Going through similar things herself, it was really her that was my catalyst. Just seeing my relationship through her own made me sick, made me want to take action, made me want to have what I deserve and not put up with what I had been kind-of crushed into taking. And now we are close and I have appreciated having her at the end of a phone/facebook :-p

I also appreciate the concern of people I am not that close to, like Bridie (Spoon face as of yesterday) and it was nice to just get random texts asking me how I was.

I feel like I’m kinda making a speech here, but really I just want people to know that I’m glad they’re in my life in whatever capacity they fill.

For the people that were there during the long trials of the relationship and holding me together and let me have an escape, and the people that were there for the after-quakes, allowing me to bitch and moan to my heart’s content without reprisals and told-you-sos and Emma who was literally my world through the whole ordeal. The person I called, hysterical at 2am every time we had a fight/he hadn’t arrived home/I was pacing round the meadows. The person I shared revenge plots with who was never horrified by the suggestions I came up with, the person that made me think “god, it’s not actually impossible to laugh 10 minutes after he’s ripped my heart out with honesty. Again.” And who I basically lived because of. She’s really the reason why I’m still going and ok now.

I just want to say thanks to my fans for this prestigious award. *blows kisses to the audience*

)0(

Where to begin!?

The day was so not what I had previously expected. SOme thoughts intruded, but for the most part I was VASTLY entertained today.

First of all, the taxi driver on the way there had radio ulster on, which, as we all know, is a big load of bollocks, except today the dude that was on MADE A BIG MISTAKE which both I and the taxi driver, who had previously not been speaking, loled at.

The subject was how rubbish students are in residential areas and how they fuck shit up and pee on things. Basically. Anyway this guy asks his student guest, "Well Sheila, do you pee up driveways?!....I mean, does your boyfriend?..." Taxi driver and Charley: "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Then, being all Irish and all, the next radio guy came on and mocked the previous one on air for being a twat and quoted "you asked a GIRL if she peed up driveways.....If she PEED UP DRIVEWAYS." Heee.

(By the way I love Travis)

Anyway, I had yet to know this was only the BEGINNING of my fun day. :-D

After a half hour wait for my appintment, I talked to Jim, who was a natterer. I love natterers because when I'm in the spotlight I love to hear other people speak about themselves. His advice, which really for the most part was pretty good (except for one thing), went on for about an hour and a half. He repeated alot and he was right, I have been concentrating on academic crap up to now, he said this time is about me and only me and it's my time to find interests that I never had time for before. He said I should take mini breaks (hee a job advisor!), explore myself (I swear if he'd said it one more time I would have giggled) and at the very end.......: get this christmas job in currys. I nearly burst out laughing. And said no. Vehemently. I'd rather lick Big G's face all over than do that thanks (oh god, that imagery was too strong for me, blergh).

Anyway, after he was 15 mins late for his next appointment because we were talking about Classics and badminton and cycling (dude, I can still distract like a motherfudger), I decided not to go wandering round in the rain and got a taxi to not-quite-home with the most awesome taxi driver ever, who laughed at my jokes. A car then tried to run me over AND FAILED BWAHA, and I had a nap of restfulness with no stupid dreams and got up to eat the rest of ma cold pizza numnum.

They're back tomorrow :-( Adaptation is here. If only it had arrived when it was bloody supposed to *shakes fist*

Ring the whore? Or ring my whore? Hum.....

Must stop giggling inappropriately.

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WHAT. Why am I up at this time?!

*whimper*

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Oh. Dear.

He said "scundered". Didn't that word go out of fashion back when we were all like 13??????!!!!!! I'm pretty sure "AAHHH! Scundered!" was a common phrase way back when. When I read it, I actually didn't understand it, and then I threw up a little in my mouth.

Next it will be "dander" again (blerughghghgh).

)0(

Victor/Paul <3!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I love Joss Whedon.

)0(

Emma made me laugh upon laugh upon laugh a few minutes ago when i found a twitter that said:  "Anima, I will find you...stay here I will foind you." Obviously I had to reply with: "NO MATTER WHAT OCOOOOOORS!" Ah, a fine mixture of Chemma, Izzard and Last of the Mohicans all in one. Damn it I need to watch whichever Izzard that occured in. Sorry, OCOOOOORED in. Bahahahaha.

Ok, sleeps time.

Oh yeah, how's this for HILARITY: Having trekked down to the shop to get teabags, I made an awesome cup of tea with the realisation that after this cup, I would have no more canderel :-/ So being unable to wear a shoe currently, I cannot go and buy some, I must throw myself on the mercy of.......SUGARRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Someone take my wisdom teeth away, they're being mischevious again.

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So over an hoooourrrr and I'm back from the shop of doom. How is it that I can predict people and their relationships, buuuut I fuck myself sideways when it comes to predicting the outcome of shoe wearing. It stopped hurting on the way home once the blood started seeping through the sock. Stupid differently sized feet! Just can't win. What's perfect for one foot is too big on the other and then there are recriminations from it all the way home.

So on my "dander" (*shudder*) as big G would say, I had to SLOW DOWN on the way because otherwise I would have bumped into Mrs S, my orchestra conductor, who was out walking her dog, she already thinks I'm stalking her so I backed off.

A man and his young child crossed the street to get away from me, which means that I did infact succeed at looking like a homeless junkie. It was almost like he was leaning down to say to her: "Now Sally-Jane, this is what you must endevour not to turn into, notice the threadbare coat, the ratty jeans, the clomping gate that veers off with a tip-toe limp, probably due to drugs or drink, notice how she didn't even bother brushing her hair and it's tangled in her scarf (bright purple zebra print, it's fucking awesome|) and the dark smudges under her eyes as if she's had no sleep (e-books take up alot of time!). Don't become a monster Sally-Jane, you can do sooo much better." Is what I amused myself by imagining. HOWEVER, the look served its purpose, and the purpose was this: being rather NOT-IN-THE-FUCKING-MOOD at the moment, I thought that a run-in with a few monkstown hard lads would not end well. For them. So in order not to have to slabber back a better come-back than their tiny minds could handle, I dressed in such a fashion which would make them leave me alone if they saw me. BETTER THAN THAT, for when I did, inevitably, run across them, they too crossed the road to avoid me and I looked more crazy when I started sniggering to myself.

I now have the hold grail (tea-bags), but also got some lazy-arse pizza and SOUR SKITTLES, the plus-part to which is PINK. The nummiest flavour.

I hate walking around here, there are people I know and I'm scared to run into them.  Also the footpaths are too fucking narrow and everyone's a manic driver. There's only one kind of walking for me here and that is the nervous-tensing one born out of QUITE rational fears that I'll get knocked down again by some stupid plonker. Like Chris on his motorbike, or his dad with his invisible wife (where is she, I haven't seen her in the like 12 years I've lived here), or I'll get knocked down by Poppy, the crazy Charley-loving dog on the corner that came after me today, that I found out, belongs to the man who said "hello charlotte" in the street the other day.

I'm still not brushing my hair.

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FUCK a bloody duck.

Strike three.

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING WHEN I HAVEN'T LEFT THE HOUSE.

I'm just gonna hide under a rock for a while, clearly just staying at home and having nothing to do with anyone isn't enough anymore.

Seriously God, stop messing with my determination to not get into messes!

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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Finally.

After a fun-filled morning of underwear discoveries (doh!) and panic!cleaning and packing, my parents are gonnnne. On a holiday they planned while I was still planning to stay in Edinburgh, because I don't think they would have arranged it if they'd known I'd be here. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. They tried to convince me to go with, but, um, house to myself? Yes please.

Except there are only 4 tea-bags left. :-o I'm going to have to trek to the nearest shop (at least 30 mins away) just to get some. Times like these I wish I could drive. Nah.

I'm going to watch tv. Because I can now, the tv is MINE and I can watch my dvds on a screen I don't have to squint my eyes to see! I haven't been this excited since my parents went to Barcelona the first time and left me here, sitting on the internet til 6am every day BECAUSE I COULD.

I had a horrible dream last night, which was ok to begin with, involving Latin classes and Emma and a letter from Aine and Pompey (why Charley why?) before a swarm of wasps attacked me and rained down on my head. I woke up twitching from wasp stings for a full minute post-wakeup. Welcome to the weekend.

I am resisting the urge for tea. :-(

)0(

Yesterday was good.

I was so involved in a book that I almost missed the train to meet my mum (2 minutes, one stop) and while in the car with her I saw Karl from school, ahh long time, back when height didn't make a difference to me. We went to the abbeycentre which has changed majorly since I was last there and I got dye and was dragged to get my photo done for my driving lesssons (shouting "Satan!" through the door at my mum).

Went to Matalan wherein mum bought me a dress. A pink dress. For me. A pink one. :-D But I thought it was gigglesome.

Then we went to tesco to get food and I kept dropping things into the trolley that weren't on the list, mainly because I wanted them, secondly because it discourages her from bringing me. Found DUNKERS. A forgotten obsession that flared into life once again. Got me some nachhhoooossssss. Obviously. Saw someone else from school who has CHANGED, man.

We came home, put stuff away, I felt virtuous, we watched a film which made me forget Lie to Me was on (shit!) so maybe tonight I'll catch it and then, at that time being untired, I went online for entertainment and made myself giggle with my comments on Seph's wall, reminding myself of some fucking awesome times we've had (stupidly funny things like pig toilets in rev and nights before big things were due we'd have ridiculously silly conversations like pre-presentation for dissertation night and essay nights and dissertation nights in the lab and manmeat and vomit soup and mutant potatos and walrus and zombie freshers), and there have been many.

So my new sleep time is 3am, patterns sneaking back into 1-3rd yearism when I slept for about 4-5 hours at the most and was strangely with it while awake.

Crap, I forgot, I have to go to that art thingy tonight. Boo.

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Bloody bollocks. Bad things come in threes right? Or messes? That's two.

Stupid exes and their baaad timing. WHY GOD, WHYYYYYYY.

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Noooooo. NOOOOOOOOOOO. JUST NO.

Last night there were TWO, that's right TWO new Dollhouse episodes on, awesome awesome because FINALLY  the punch in the face happened after the imprint wipe: "Did I fall asleep? *Punches Topher in the face* Shall I go now?" All for the wrong reasons, but it was aweeesome none the less, between breaks I was trying to explain the plot to my parents. Obviously they now hate the show.

Argh argh argh argh argh!

I go out only with my friends, we go to places only so that we can hang out amongst ourselves, I'm quite content staying hereeeeee, safe inside the house and having people come over. So how, JUST HOW have I found my way into this particular territory of avoiding the human population and yet on the verge of a chess?!!!!!!?! NOT FAIR. I categorically REFUSE to get drawn in. Facebook is the devil. That is all.

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